Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
