God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
