this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
