he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
