Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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