I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
