Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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