You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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