I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
