hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
