So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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