I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
