You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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