my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
