Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
