I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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