Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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