Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
