I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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