Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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