Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have tasted many bathrooms
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
