I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
