Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
