She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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