On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
