Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
