I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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