I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
