i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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