You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?