nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room