i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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