I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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