Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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