i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
