just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I checked into jail on foursquare
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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