I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
