You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
