I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
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I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
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I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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