I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
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A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
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I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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