Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Alive.
So much puke
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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