Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
