So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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