If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
