Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
