Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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