is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
