i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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