It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
