Your face is a jimmy john
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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