Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
