My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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