i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
