Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
