Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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