I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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