your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
