is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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