so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
