there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
