The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
