birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
