I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
