I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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